It’s a long one peeps, grab a coffee & cake… and some biscuits.
So I’m visiting my brother and my 3 little nephews and they had a little friend over to play. Her head is covered in thick blonde curls that boing into her big blue eyes whenever she walks. She has a cute little button nose that is covered in a smattering of freckles and when she smiles, it’s like the sun appears and everything becomes bright and sunny. She is so cute…
But she’s the devil.
I keep an eye on her because I know what she’s like. I still can’t understand how something that cute can be such a villain. This particular day – it’s biz as usual for her. She’s pinching her little baby brother and watching him cry. She does it for fun. Little freak. She does it again & baby cries louder. Now the mother rushes over. She has long wild hair, wearing a dress made out of hemp, probably left over from the slab she had been smoking the night before. Earth mother swoops in and soothes howling baby: “Why is baby Simon crying?” Really. You have to ask that? You live with the future felon (surely she’d have some clue). Devil girl shakes her golden hair and opens her big blue eyes and says in the most convincingly innocent manner: “I don’t know, Mummy.”
Yeah you do, you little rat.
Mummy turns her back to leave and Little Miss Demon reaches out to pinch him, but Mum turns around and catches her. So Mummy does have a clue. “We don’t hurt the people we love.” So what does the little demon do? Hovers her hand over baby brother’s chubby little arm and threatens to do it in front of her mother.
Mummy responds with: “Now I’m going to count to 3.”
Demon girl’s blue eyes narrow. We have a stand off people.
Mummy counts down:
3, 2, hmm..
Come on Mummy, get to 1 & wack her one. Bam. That’ll Teach her.
Mummy: 1… and a ½
C’mon Mummy, man up! No halvsies!
I mutter: “Just give the girl a backhander and be done with it.”
Earth Mother responds: “We don’t advocate physical contact. No smacking here, no, no, no, we’re all about, praise, positive reinforcement and gentle admonition.”
Good luck with that.
And look at what praise has produced: prada bag wearing, baby chino sipping, mac munching, upstartin’, iPhoning, glitter nail polish wearing, pampered prissy divas.
And that’s just the boys, don’t get me started on the girls
Mummy slides into the negative scale as Demon girls rushes out the back door.
I go into protective detail and exit back door to locate my nephews. One at 12, 2 at 3 oclock. And the Little Blonde Satan is moving in closer.
I creep to the side garden and make a pretence of weeding. Straight off, she lifts up her fist and goes to bop the youngest. I can almost hear; “An ally has been slain.” So I yell, “Oi, you golden haired little demon, here, we don’t punch one another in the face.” She poked her tongue out at me and then stuck the rude finger up at me. What could I do? I mimed a garrotting back to her. Unfortunately her mother was in the kitchen and saw me.
I’m done for! Soon I’ll feel the wrath of Earth Mother
So I run over to demon child, as mummy storms through kitchen, through the living room, to the back door – buying me those precious moments to come up with a plan: “Listen, you’re going to smile & nod your little head and agree with everything I say and.. then I’m going let you bop the little one in the head.”
Mummy rushes out: “Amanda, Amanda (oh that’s demon child’s name) are you alright baby?”
Satan-Amanda nods smiling up at me. I playfully tussle her golden curls.
“I’m quite concerned about what I witnessed from the kitchen window. Would you like to explain yourself.”
No, not really.
“You… you pulled a nasty and very violent action in front of my daughter.” Earth Mother crosses arms, starts foot tapping and purses her lips.
“Huh?” Playing dumb is effective in buying time. Hadn’t quite come up with a plan yet.
And then like a flash it popped into my head. “Oh the… oh ha hee!” My fake laugh. “I was showing, little Sata… – Amanda, the new Zealand Haka. Yes! Karmatay karmaty kora kora arrh hee hee hee. She said the end part… where I pretend to slit my throat, was funny… so I did it again and… then you saw. Just a joke between Amanda and me. We are such pals.”
“Well, it’s not appropriate.” Earth Mother fumes.
Yes, it is quite violent.
I wouldn’t want to corrupt the future serial killer.
Mummy after much convincing, finally returned inside.
Demon child played her part well, so I patted her on the back and said, “Go on.”
Wack! Right in the mush.
I picked up my blubbering nephew: “Sorry little buddy, but one of us had to take a hit for the team and it wasn’t going to be me”.
Then I gave little blondey a hiding
and grand-theft-autoed outta there.